two weeks ago my parents caught me sneaking out… a month before that my dad found out that i started smoking weed.  i havent smoked in two weeks and i havent seen my friends in two weeks. i dont miss smoking as much as i miss seeing my friends. for now im fine not smoking. its not good for me while im in school. but i miss my friends a lot. id vow never to smoke again just to be able to see them.  for the past two weeks ive been sad… im happy for a good part of the day because distractions do help. but once the distractions are gone i feel sad again. its whenever i have time to think and a lot of times its at night when im laying in bed trying to fall asleep. it was really bad the first few days where id sob for an hour or two before falling asleep and when i wasnt crying i felt like i could make myself cry at any moment if i wanted to. now i just feel sad throughout the day most days.  if i think about it too much i cry.  i cant help it. and its the only thing that makes me feel a tiny bit better. i usually end up crying when im alone in my room at night or when im alone in my car either thinking to myself or listening to a sad song. i just wish i could feel happy all the time. i wonder if i was ever happy. maybe ive always just covered up my sadness with a smile because its the easiest way for me to deal with it.

i used to have friends. i never had many friends but i loved the ones i had. recently i just had two best friends who i saw all the time.  im not allowed to see them anymore and on top of that i dont think they like me anymore. they said were fine but it feels like they are over me now. we used to snapchat all the time and now they dont respond. having no one sucks. the feeling of having no friends sucks. i wish i could see them again and hang out like we used to. if we do ever see each other again i feel like it wont be for a very long time…